This weblog will cover my latest adventure through the hiring process of the SFPD. I found myself running behind schedule as I slowly wound down the on ramp to Highway 85 at 6:55 A.M. I leaped out of bed only 10 minutes prior to making myself onto the Highway. How in the world did I sleep in an hour and forty-two minutes over I thought grasping the leather-plastic steering wheel of “thugvoo” my trusty Honda Accord. After a stressing myself out telling myself over and over “you’re not gonna make it on time” my lovely wife was able to calm me down. “Corey, it’s in God’s hands. Now stop whining, I’m going back to bed.” Before I knew it I was racing down 101. “By this time traffic should be a beast but it’s not. No time to think DRIVE!” My mind yelled. I got down Burlingame with enough time to get to my destination. Crap! I missed the exit. The last sign I saw “Blah blah Road 1 mile” Next sign “Road after Blah blah Road 3/4 mile” Why didn’t my exit say “Blah blah Road!” All it said was “Exit.” Exit what? HELL? Yes I am definitely feeling like I am there at this point, you know besides hearing people moaning in pain as AC/DC’s “Hells Bells” plays over the loud speaker. How would speakers get to Hell?
Nearly forgetting about crying my eyes out almost an hour earlier, the elevator opens me out into the 4th floor. It’s a quite place, only the sound of “Hells Bells” plays in my head. There is a woman sitting in a chair in the Lobby. I decide to make a left down a long stinky hall. Every door I pass reminds me of the previous one. The dark wood doors are all missing signs that tell me what’s on the other side. I reach the end. “Dang Blast it, where is Suite 400?” I turn around and follow the path where I came. I approach the woman in the Lobby,”Excuse me Madam, do you know where I may find Suite 400?” She looks at me almost expressionless. “I’m rolling thunder, pouring rain, I’m coming on like a hurricane,” releases out of her month. She then pauses for a moment and smiles, “We’re in Suite 400.” She looks down dismissing me and continues to read what juicy gossip Brittney’s assistant reveals to US Weekly. A few moments pass before another person comes out of the elevator. She walks down the same hall I was just wandering down. She returns not too long after. “Do you guys know where Suite 400 is?” What an idiot right?
The clock strikes about 8:10 before a pair of folks come walking off the elevator. “You guys here for the polygraph?” The male asks. The lady that walked down the empty hallway and I nod our heads. “If you’re into evil, you’re a friend of mine,” he says with a crazed look on his face. He looks at the woman he came up the elevator with,”You take Usher I’ll take her.” The female examiner we’ll call her Zuul, leads me to one of the dark wood doors we walk in.
The door slams shut behind us. There’s several chairs in the room. A desk, laptops just real basic stuff. Nothing fancy like Dr. Chu’s office. “Are you the key master?” Zuul asks. I reply like any other human being would. “Are you the gatekeeper?” We begin the interview.
There is a pre-test interview that is conducted before the actual polygraph it self. This gives Gozer a chance to know it’s potential host. This was actually the longest part of the whole thing. I was asked to recall dates of things that happened years ago. Things that I had forgotten came surfacing in my mind. Honestly, I just told the truth about everything. Back to the story…
After Zuul had all the information she needed she brought out the Nimbus 2000. This was the infamous polygraph machine that I had seen in countless movies. She explained some instructions that I had quickly forgotten. I mean this was the Nimbus 2000 right in front of my eyes. Before I knew it I was hooked up to the machine. For a moment I felt like thousands of volts were going to come racing through my body and I would soon be known as Frankenstein. The test began.
From the moment the sound of the gun my heart was racing. I was able to feel every beat in my chest and up my throat. Zuul’s voice was very calm. A weird pain began to wreak havoc on the back of my neck. My left arm began to twitch mimicking the 4/4 rhythm of “Hells Bells”. I began to see the questions floating around in front of me like the Windows Toaster screen saver. They, the questions, began to lunge at my esophagus hoping to choke me up. They swung lead pipes at my knees hoping to end my gazelle-like strides over the misty ice rink.
The test ended. “Mr. Santa Clause, you passed, you are now free to go,” Zuul said to me, “I’ll walk you to the door.” I rode the elevator back down to the 1st floor. The sun rays hit my face felt like this scorching hot laptop on my lap. I think my flesh may have melted. I immediately hopped on my phone to call Amanda to tell her the great news. I got her voice mail so I shared the news to Jesus instead.
If you actually made it to the end of this blog thank you! Just wanted to try writing a little bit different. This blog hit 958 words!
